Sunday, July 8, 2012

Healthy Boundaries

I wanted to start a blog on positivity as I run a women's social group and I thought it would be helpful.  It will also be beneficial for me to help maintain a positive attitude.  :)
One of the main ways to stay positive is to maintain positive relationships, this is one of the areas I find many people struggle with the most.  So this is where I will begin.

A lot of us engage in boundary violations without knowing we are doing anything wrong.  Check and see if you do any of the following.  Non of this is meant to judge as all humans cross boundaries or allow their boundaries to be violated at some point.  This is simply a guide to help you be aware in order to build and maintain healthy relationships.

The following two lists are not simply my opinion but information received while in a cognative behavioural program.  I just thought they would be helpful to others who don't take the course and they would be important to share.

Possible Boundary Violations
Silent treatment
Insults/put downs
Giving ultimatums/orders
Saying "Shut up."
Pressuring others/talking them into something they don't wish to do.
Sarcasm-Saying hurtful or rude things then following it up with, "I'm only joking."
Rolling Eyes
Dirty Looks
Storming/stomping around
Interrupting-Asserting your point when someone is mid sentence.  Changing the subject to you.
Holding Grudges
Acting superior-You think someone is stupid.  (means you have feelings of more then/lesser then)
Stereotyping/prejudice- All immigrants are on welfare.
Refusing to admit when wrong/refusing to apologise
Dominating conversations.-If the person you are with isn't saying much, you may not be giving them a chance.
Denying self/others right to feelings.-Telling someone or believe your feelings are stupid, wrong or too sensitive.
Aggression, verbal or physical.
Constant advice giving-Only give advice if asked.  If someone says my boyfriend broke up with me, be supportive and empathetic but don't give advice.  Giving advice without being asked for it is one of the fastest ways to distance yourself from others, people don't like this, even though you think your helping.
Depriving self or others their privacy.
Being uncooperative.
Chronic Lateness.
Getting even/vengefulness.
Touching someone.
Calling someone "TOO SENSITIVE."

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

1. Telling all-When you first meet someone you tell them all about your life, problems, health issues and or physical pains.  This will distance people from you as someone who doesn't know you doesn't need or want all this information.  It's too heavy.  Try asking about the other person, show an interest in the person and what they have to say.

2. Going against personal values or rights to please others-You do things you normally wouldn't or don't speak out against things you do not believe in.

3. Not noticing other's inappropriate boundaries and/or when they invade yours-So if you don't notice when you are crossing other people's boundaries, they likely won't want to hang out with you.  Also if you don't have your own boundaries people will be able to walk all over you and you will feel lesser then.  
An example of crossing other people's boundaries would be invading personal space.  An example of having no boundaries would be telling people all your woe's.

4. Touching a person without asking.

5. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of taking.

6. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.

7. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

8. Letting others direct your life.-A partner telling you when you must eat and what you must eat is just a simple example of this complex issue.

9. Letting others speak for you or describe your reality.

10. Letting others define you.-For example I can't live without him.  I'm no good unless I have a guy.  She likes shopping so I should go with her even though I don't enjoy it, she'll think I like it too, then we will be friends.

11. Believing others can anticipate your needs.-Reality is people cannot read your mind and most people are worried about themselves and their life and aren't thinking about what you need.  You have to tell someone, don't demand.  "You have to spend more time with me," won't work. " I feel lonely and would like some company might work better."  However we cannot expect others to meet our needs, we must be fulfilled in ourselves.

12. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.-If you say I feel lonely and would like some company, the person may want to help fill that need but in their own time.  If you expect them to drop everything and fill that need immediately you will be disappointed.

13. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

14. Self-abuse.

15. Sexual or physical abuse.

16. Acting on first sexual impulse.

17. Food and chemical abuse.

18. Talking at an intimate level with someone you've just met.

19. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

20. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

21. Being overwhelmed or pre-occupied by a person.

22. Accepting food, gifts, touch or sex that you don't want.

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